Monday, 28 January 2013

It's Parenthood, Stupid


There’s a Gary Larson Cartoon (I measure my life in GL cartoons) with a kid in a classroom raising his hand, saying “May I be excused, my brain is full.”  I have become that kid;  not because my brain is in fact full, but rather it has shrunk so much that it feels full.

As well as having nothing to say to anyone that isn’t child-related, the bit of my brain which deals with non-parenting issues has, I suspect, atrophied to such an extent that it no longer functions properly.  This can be the only explanation for the many less than intelligent things I do on a daily basis.  A selection from this week includes:
  • Leaving my house keys in the front door.  Overnight.
  • Leaving my house keys on the front windowsill.  Outside.  For the morning.
  • Leaving my house keys in the buggy.  At the kids’ nursery. 
  • Leaving my house keys in the Man’s coat pocket, while he went off for a walk with the kids, and I stood on my doorstep shouting at the inside of my handbag. 
  • Putting woollens in a hot wash.  Twice. In one day.
  • Putting eggs at the bottom of the shopping bag.  And then, having seen that they were all broken, putting them into the fridge anyway.
  • Ringing someone and completely forgetting, by the time they answered, who it was I calling, and having to hang up.
  • Putting onions on to sautee, then wandering off in a daze and half an hour later, as I was sorting through baby clothes, wondering (a) what the smell was and (b) why the smoke alarm was going off. 
  • Making boiled eggs. But forgetting the water.  (So, not so much boiled, as shell-on-pan-fried)

Lest you think that the parenting part of my brain is bulked up, like a cyclist’s Yellow-Jersey-winning muscles, rest assured – my stupidity knows no boundaries.  And so this week I have learnt the following:
  • Do not Google: “tiny blue dot on baby’s scalp”, before checking to see if it washes off.  Ink is alot easier – and less traumatic – to remove (not to mention fret about) than Melanocytic Nevus. 
  • Do not snuffle into your baby’s flabby neck, unless you’ve wiped under the neck-flaps first.  (Indirectly, I also learnt that neck-cheese isn’t so tasty.)
  • Always do a head-count before you start the car. Three isn’t such a hard number to remember.  If there’s only 2 – well, one might be in her car-seat on the pavement.
  • If your son asks something, and you’re not quite sure what he said, always assume it’s a question to which the only answer is “no”.  Unless you want (a) a long protracted argument, and (b) - (notwithstanding (a)) - ice-cream on your sofa.

And now my brain really is feeling full, and I must go lie down. 


15 comments:

  1. Love it! You poor poor woman! Now that my children are ages 7 and 10 I can absolutely assure you that your brain will in time recover, not to its full pre-baby state, but to something more normal and able to cope with every day life!! I do recall a time when I had lost our car keys when the baby was strapped into his car seat and only did I find them underneath his bottom AFTER my (then)(now ex) husband had smashed in the rear patio doors to gain entry to the house to find them - ooops!!!!

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    1. you are clearly a nicer and better person than I am; I would have slipped the keys into my pocket then deposited them somewhere in the house when husband wasn't looking.

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  2. youre still the brightest bunny i know from college days and still the nicest and wisest person to hang out with (when they release you!)... trust the long term picture .... ! Meanwhile, hang on to those house keys unless tempted to toss to a passing kindly faced stranger who might want to take on yr kids for an afternoon! Dxxx

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  3. My mother had that one framed alongside the "Midvale School for the Gifted" one.

    I once read a memoir that referred to burnt as "the spice of my distraction." My children are well-acquainted with the flavor, as is my spouse, as nothing distracts the mind as well as children, but 96-step lab protocols are a close second.

    I, too, often think, "What's that smell?... oh, dinner must be done."

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  4. You know how people used to (I don't know if they still do)make their kids have mittens that are attached to the sleeves of their jackets? Maybe you could get something like that for your house keys. Like those dog leashes that are extendable so that you can actually use the keys, but they are always around your wrist or a loop on your trousers.

    Not only will that help you keep an eye on them, you may also find that you enjoy feeling like a jailor.

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    1. A wise idea. Except that my children are generally hanging off my wrists, and sweat pants - my post-children stay-at-home garment of choice - don't usually have loops. I think it's best if I just stay in from now on.

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    2. Excellent points. I wonder where I thought the children were when you were walking around out and about that you had free wrists. Free wrists are something I shall add to the list of things to be grateful for.

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  5. Today I opened the bin in the bathroom only to throw my breastpads into the loo. Of course, the 3-yo hadn't flushed. Oh, the glamour...
    PS: We had a maternity nurse for 10 nights. Baby is sleeping through now - hooray!!!

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    1. Well done petite pea! And well done you handing the reigns over to someone else - not always the easiest to do (says the woman who would hand her children to a complete stranger if it meant I could get some sleep). Fabulous news.

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  8. Have done all of the above and actually driven off without the one-strapped-into-car-seat-but-car-seat-still-in-hall!
    Thank you for making me laugh

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  9. I once put my car keys in a public bin. Fortunately , I realised this as soon as I had done it. Had rummage around and retrieve the damn things!
    Blog www.thenews-on.blogspot.com

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  10. Oh how you made me laugh! Nappy brain gets the better of us all... x

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  11. My solution...don't have kids. lolz

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