We're Headin' For Venus

(It’s the final countdown...)

In 24 hours (at the time of writing) I will – all going well – be the mother of three. 

(Pause, for shocked silence)

I’ve had 7 months to get my head around this (not that this pregnancy was 2 months' shorter than the usual, but I ignored the very obvious signs of early knocked-up-ness by persuading self that I was merely embarking on the menopause) and still, here we are, the day before the event, and I’m no closer to acceptance. 

Three children.  Honestly, I’ve only just come to terms with having two (for instance, I no longer look around for somebody else, then reel in astonishment, when a small angry voice shouts “Mummy!”  Progress, no?)

In the face of all uncertainties, I like to try to impose some sort of control on my surroundings by making lists.  This – in no particular order – is what I’m looking forward to over the next few days:

• Seeing the Grubette for the first time (even tho I’ll be thinking – you were in there??)
• Watching the Boy and Girl when they meet their sister
• Codeine
• Lying down.  On my back.  Without fear of blacking out / never being able to get self upright again
• A VERY large margarita, with an extra shot of Silver Patron
• My mum coming to stay.  For TWO WEEKS
• The blessed relief of not needing to wee every 15  minutes
• The equal blessed relief of not feeling that my pelvis is a mortar to the baby's pestle head
• Enforced bed rest for at least 3 days
• Crappy magazines
• Crappy daytime tv
• The vicious post-c-section midnight hunger that can only be quelled by Hula Hoops, tea and chocolate
• Making a dent in Bring up the Bodies
• Porn-star tits
• Getting home, and the totally surreal experience of sitting on the sofa with a cup of tea in my hand and a new baby at my feet

 Things I am NOT looking fwd to:

• Having a c-section (obviously)
• Trying to remain patient while I explain – again – to the Man that even looking at my tits hurts them
• The shock of seeing my ENORMOUS children for the first time, having spent a few hours in the company of a newborn
• Trying to sleep in a hospital, through the constant interruption of nurses and midwives
• Being forced out of bed more or less immediately by ham-fisted nurses intent on getting you “up on your feet again”.  Despite having just been sawn in half and briefly disembowelled
• Being unable to resist checking out your post-birth body immediately post-birth.  (Actually, that’s the horror that just keeps on giving)
• Wondering if you’re ever – EVER - going to be free from the revolting tyranny that is your maternity wardrobe
• Codeine addiction fondness
• Anything requiring use of my stomach muscles (laughing, sneezing, pooing – oh God, the first post-birth poo [mine, not the Grubette’s])
• Getting home, and the totally surreal experience of sitting on the sofa with a cup of tea in my hand and a new baby at my feet

Anyway.  In other news, I’ve been trying to take it easy this week – only just succeeding right now (sitting in a cafe eavesdropping on ridiculously young and pretty mothers compare notes on the difficulties of having a - as in ONE - kid.  I want to beat them all to death with their organic hazelnut flutes) – and trying not to screech too much at the kids when I hit the wall of exhaustion at 6pm.  Alas, this coincides entirely with their hitting the wall of total insanity, and so the poor Man has been coming home early to scenes of domestic carnage and a weeping wife (he might as well get used to it). The Boy has had two separate Big Boy School assessments, so I’ve been carting him about and trying to prep him for what was in store (I now know how Diane Fossey must have felt). My favourite part of the past few days was when he was asked to draw something for the teacher – “anything at all”.  “I’ll draw YOU” he told her.  I was sitting in on this, literally biting my tongue, thinking – but you can barely hold a pencil.  I stood corrected.  He held a pencil, drew a circle – “that’s your head”;  two smaller circles, actually inside the big one – “those are your eyes”;  a line down from the large circle – “that’s your neck”; and with a sweeping hand movement, one last big circle:  “and THAT is your GREAT BIG TUMMY.”

I suspect I will soon be adding  “home schooling” to the second list above.

See you all on the other side.  xx