Because I’m the giving type, and because we’re all wading through a recession, I thought it might be fun to help you create your own global air-travel - in the comfort of your own home, and for a fraction of the price. Go me!
There’s a small bit of preparation for this. (Don’t worry, you won’t have to pack. Too much). You need:
· 3 x large cardboard boxes. (by “large” I mean large enough for a small child to squat in)
· A few supermarket ready-meals. Own brand, as cheap as you can. Buy a selection and remove the labels
· A pair of shoes that look just like yours but are in fact a size smaller
· 3 x hyper/crazed animals. (Pop into your local pet shop; spider monkeys are ideal, but specialist stores only. Otherwise – goats (lure away from a petting zoo) or if all else fails, cats+a double espresso. (For ease, I use “monkey” throughout the text. Substitute with whatever animal you’ve got))
· 3 x bottles of water
· A hand-held dvd player
· An electric fan
You’re almost ready to begin. Just one last thing: fill a small case FULL of plastic shite / books / crayons / stickers / snacks / matchbox cars / random pieces of Lego. In fact, overfill it, then sit on it to close.
Ok! Off we go.
Firstly, pick a destination. Make it as exotic as you can. Thailand? Fiji? Alaska? All excellent choices. Whichever you chose, teach one of the monkeys to say it over and over and over again. Until your ears bleed. And then some more.
Go to your kitchen and put the oven on “scorch”, then throw in all the ready meals you bought.
Place a bucket and a basin of water inside a cupboard / wardrobe / closet nearby. Add a few of those junk-mail menus which accumulate in hallway.
Arrange two of the boxes side by side in a corner of a room, with the opening facing out. If possible arrange to have a bare wall in front of you – no more than two feet away - and something large and bulky behind you. A wardrobe is ideal. Place the other box also on its side, about 6 feet away.
Put the fan on High, and aim it directly at the two boxes which are side by side.
Put a monkey in each of the three boxes, then climb into one of the two boxes which are side by side. Yes, on top of the monkey already in there. Do your best to get into a sitting position (kneeling is fine, as is squatting). You can cheat and throw in a cushion and / or blanket if you want. Any cushion however has to be no larger than your hand, and any blanket made from toenail clippings.
Arrange the DVD player so that the sound is off, the screen is an angle that allows you to only see the outline of the picture, and put the remote control just a fraction out of arm’s reach. Excellent.
Take off your shoes. Open one of the water bottles and lie it on top of the shoes. Throw the other bottles off into the back of the room, where you’ll never find them.
All the while, juggle your companion monkey on your lap / head / face and talk to the monkey in the next box. He’ll probably just be saying “Fiji-Fiji-Fiji” but will occasionally try to escape, and you have only the power of your voice to contain him.
Tell yourself that you are not going to open the case-full-of-crap until at least two hours has passed. Approximately 90 seconds after climbing into your box, grab the case and fling it into the monkey’s box. Spend the next seven hours picking up items of the contents and trying to distract the monkey with them.
At all times you must ignore the monkey in the third box who has been screaming for at least 45 minutes. He is not your responsibility and his sole role is to scream. At some point he’ll come clambering over but you must smile at him, no matter that he’s trying to rip your face off.
After about two hours, take out your phone (you are allowed ONE CALL ONLY) and telephone whoever in your address book is both nearby, and mean as hell. Ask them to come by for a few minutes – at their own leisure, obviously - and to remove two of the lava-esque meals from the oven and throw them at you from a distance of about four feet. Once they have done this, be sure to ask them if the food is vegetarian; with any luck it won’t be, and they will have to go and find some more. They should then leave your house, never to return.
At some point, decide that the monkey in your box needs to sleep, and you must do whatever you can to facilitate this. To this end you may leave the box and walk the length of the room and back again, over and over again, clinging on to the acrobatic monkey, and shushing it. You know, the monkey knows, and all your imaginary fellow passengers know, that nothing short of chloroform, is going to get him to sleep. Seeing as you didn’t pack the chloroform, you might as well crawl back into your box.
Decide to feed your monkey into submission. Stuff several litres of milk into him, then jiggle him up and down for a while. Stretch over to see why the other monkey is so quiet, and with any luck, your companion monkey will chose that moment to vomit all down the back of your neck.
Gather up both monkeys - it doesn’t matter that the quiet one is sleeping – and carry both of them to the cupboard / wardrobe / closet you put the bucket and basin of water in. Climb into said cupboard / wardrobe / closet and attempt to clean yourself using junk-menus dipped in water. While you’re in there decide that it’s a good idea to pee in the bucket. If you must wipe, use the menus. Do not allow either of the monkeys to escape at any time.
Return to your box to find that the third monkey has gone beserk and has eaten all the crayons. He is now crumbling the snacks into your shoes. Put one monkey into your box, break up the fight between the two other monkeys – SHIELD YOUR FACE AT ALL TIMES – and retrieve snacks and any missing cars / lego pieces / stickers. Smile throughout.
Look at your watch. Only 7 hours left! Repeat all of the above seventeen times. Occasionally you may rearrange the box so that it is upright and your legs are hanging over the side, if you think it will help you to sleep. To relieve your dead legs, you may walk across the room a few times.
Once 10 hours has passed, gather up everything you brought with you. Mysteriously, this will have trebled in bulk, and you will have to resort to wearing / pocketing as much of the items as you can. Scoop your neighbouring monkey up from the 3-inch space between the boxes where he has fallen asleep and place back in his box. He won’t wake up. The monkey in your box will have fallen asleep for the first time about twenty minutes ago, so try your best not to wake him (if you do wake him, you will then have to hold him, as he screams and spits at you, for the next 36 hours).
Slip on the smaller shoes. Holding everything, including the screaming spitting monkey, hobble from the room. Feel free to kick the third monkey on your way out.